My entire life I was a pretty sexual person. When I was too young to even know, I was playing with my best girl friends. We would masturbate at the same time together just learning what felt good. I remember an old friend once showed me that grinding on top of a pillow felt good, so we did it. Another friend of mine, we starting exploring what rubbing our vaginas together felt like. We kissed some as well. Still to this day, I don't think we really knew what that was or what it meant. In elementary, kindergarten actually, during nap time, a boy rolled over and showed me his penis. Did we know that was a sexual act? No, but I remember it happening for some unknown reason. Then came middle school, 6th, 7th, and 8th grade. We knew then what we were doing. Daring each other to give a classmate a peck on the cheek.... even on the lips! Oh my! I was one of the first girls in my class to get breasts. And BOY did I become popular with the boys! By the end of middle school, age 14 or so, I was making out, dry humping, giving oral, and received oral on me for the first time with my "first true love" ( I laugh at that now!). I lost my virginity at 15, out at a friend's uncle's farm land, camping out there with no adults knowing where we were. Drinking Hawkeye vodka and mountain dew (yuck!). It was terrible and I wasn't even sure we did it right, it definitely did not feel good and I don't remember much of that night. Throughout high school, I had a couple different boyfriends that I had sex with. Another boy that I was head over heels with.....but all he wanted was the sex, and he used me. He would come over to watch a movie, get his jollies off, and leave 20 minutes later. A real winner and I was too young and dumb to know my worth. I went to a lot of parties, drank too much, and had too much sex with under-deserved guys because I thought that's what would get me... a boyfriend? a happy life? popularity? Who knows!
Then the night....the night I got pregnant at 17 years old, a junior in High School. I was on a mission to have my first orgasm. After all those other occasions, I had yet to have what I thought an orgasm should feel like. So, I had sex, with multiple men, to have my first orgasm. One of the guys (I can't even say men here), found me while I was using the restroom at a house party. Once I was finished, he just starting kissing and touching me, next thing you know, we were having sex. Did I want this, no, but did I do it? Yes, because again, I was too young and dumb to know my worth. I was depressed most of my younger years, and sex was something I tried using to escape or thought it would make my life better somehow.
I finished out my high school career, graduating a semester early to have my child. The 'issues' with sex never stopped. But now, I was out of school, making a little bit of money, living in an apartment with my son. I still had so many urges to be sexual although it still wasn't in a healthy way. I would find guys to date for 3 weeks, then move on to the next. There was a lot of partying going on, lots of sex with guys. I did start to explore my bi-curious side around this time. I had always been curious but that wasn't anything I shared with anyone else. Until I met a lesbian at work, and oh my gosh was I crushing SO HARD on her! We did become friends and then turned to flirting and then we played once or twice. It was then I knew I truly was bi-sexual.
Over the next 10ish years or so, when I was single, I would try to act out my wild and sexual side and my bi-sexuality side. I never truly came out to anyone about my desires and wants; I would try to find strangers to fulfill these needs because I was too embarrassed to come out. There was one time, I was struggling to pay my bills, and I found some guy on Craigslist that had a fantasy of paying for sex. So, I hooked up with him and was able to pay daycare that week. Looking back, I am extremely lucky that situation didn't turn out as the next headliner story on the local news!
As you can see, my sexual experiences most of my life were awful, destructive, NOT safe, and not healthy for anyone. But, you'll see later on, why telling you all of this had purpose. I am in such a different place now; sexually and in life in general because I found a healthy way to achieve true happiness while having my needs and desires met. I know my worth now, I know how to say no when I need to and I know how to ask for what I want. This Lifestyle I am in, has opened all my doors, has given me the confidence, trust, and openness I have needed my entire life.